So, my Boy has been having a rough time breathing the past couple of days...Whether it is from the cancer in the lungs, pneumonia, or the other infection, he doesn't feel well...This am, he went to go lay down in bed, and yelled...I ran in there, and he was almost in tears...He got scared, because his breathing became VERY hard...I kept our Bug out of school today, due to snow, and due to I want her home with us...So I called Boy's mom...Told her what was going on, and told her she could either come take him, or come take our Bug...She came to get Boy...Which is good...She is better at driving in the snow than I am...So Boy is, yet once again, on his way to the hospital...This will be time 4 in a little less than one month...I will go meet them in a bit...
Boy Loves Girl, Girl Loves Boy...
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
A Rant I Had....
Here is a rant I had at the hotel, the night we found out Boy would lose his life to this cancer:
This may be my last rant of the night...it may not be....for those who dont know me, I have lived through a lot....i have been raped...I have been beaten...i have been mentally abused..I have lived with mental problems...I have lived through drug overdose, and being in a coma...I have lived through many stays at mental hospitals, and way too many psych meds....I have lived with the fact that my fathers heart blew up within a week of me leaving the state...I have lived through my mother having strokes, and ultimately brain surgery which led her to live with me and my family when my Bug was only 9 months old....I have lived through my husbands addictions, rehabs, and out of our home stays....I have NEVER once in my life, said that 'this isn't fair'...........until now...........and guess what? THIS ISNT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!! WE have never had a chance to be a fucking family..........it isnt fucking fair, that the love of my life will not be able to see his daughter grow up....it isnt fucking fair, that I will become a widow in my 30's.....it isnt fucking fair, that I will become a single mom....I will say it now....and I will say it again...this isnt fucking fair...........
***FUCK CANCER***
***FUCK CANCER***
And the story continues....
So, Girl got to bring Boy home, just in time for Thanksgiving...It was amazing...I made two different kinds of soup...On Thanksgiving day, we invited Boys mom over to celebrate with us...I think, even though he wasnt feeling well, that was good for him...We all ate, Boy even ate a little bit!!! And we laughed, and joked...
Here we are, done with treatment!!! Boy should start feeling better soon, eating more, gaining strength, spending more time with Bug...That didnt happen...
Boy would have good days, and Boy would have bad days...Some days he would try to eat real food, some days he wouldnt...some days he would ask me to help him go sit outside in the sun, and some days he wouldnt...some days he would be awake for the majority of the day, and some days he wouldnt...
On 12.19.11, Boy asked me to take him to the ER...he was REALLY not feeling well, he had passed out a couple of times, and his chest was hurting him...Off we went to our local ER...We get in there, explain his situation, medical issues, etc...The Dr's start running tests...Chest Xrays...Blood draws...Get an IV in him (Thank you to the Mercy Flight Team Captain <3)...Chest xray comes back bad...They are thinking he has a bad case of bacterial pneumonia that his body is trying to fight...Lets do a PET scan, to look around...Blood work comes back bad...Hemoglobin level is extremely low...Now they are talking blood transfusion...We will be admitted (fucking duh)...PET scan comes back bad...
For those who don't know, in Boy's case, a PET is very important...They give him something special to drink, wait a little while, and then put him through the machine...The drink they give him, can attach (in a sense) to cancer cells, tumors, etc, and light up...
Without any other tests, we are told Boy has 'abnormalities' showing up on his PET scan in his lungs, liver, kidneys, and bones...One thing we knew, was it was time to cry...Boy has NEVER had an abnormality show up on a PET scan, that wasnt cancer...
Boy ends up staying in the hospital for five days...Blood transfusion...Liver and Lung biopsies...Buttloads of antibiotics...Girl gets to take Boy home for Christmas...
Christmas day 2011, was a good day...Boy got to see his grandma for the first time in a LONG time...Girl cooked...Bug played...Boy rested....
12.26.11...Girl goes early morning day after Christmas shopping to find some good deals...Girl gets call from Boys Doc...Liver biopsy is back...it is cancer...Same type of cancer as before...Girl has to go home and tell Boy...
Boy handles the news okay...he said he knew...in his heart he already knew...Girl and Boy cry...
12.29.11 Girl takes Boy back to the hospital...Boy had passed out a couple more times...This time we went to the ER at his cancer hospital in Iowa City...We took with us, all of his test results from the hospital by home...Boy's pneumonia is getting worse...white blood cell count very high...Boys body is fighting both the pneumonia and some other type of infection the docs dont know...Docs change up his antibiotics, puts Boy on 5 different ones...Docs also change up his pain meds, due to the confirmed liver cancer...Girl takes Boy home for New Year's Eve...
Girl and Boy and Bug spend as much time together as possible...Girl cooks...We watch TV...We laugh...
01.05.12 Girl takes Boy back to the hospital...Boy started showing signs of a stroke...Head tilted largely to the left...Drool coming out of the left side of his mouth...Cant hardly use his left arm or hand...Talking nonsense talk...Not being able to stay awake for long...
More Chest xrays...more blood draws...oxygen...Neurological exams...Head CT Scan...We, again, get admitted...Chest xrays come back worse than they looked in mid-December...Infections are not going away...Docs have no concluded, that Boy did not have a stroke...his liver was not filtering out his pain meds as it should...They cut back on his pain meds ALOT...Said the other docs has prescribed way too high of a dose...Another change in antibiotics...Girl gets to take Boy home 3-4 days later...
01.13.12 The day we have been waiting for...The day we get to go meet with all 3 of our docs in Iowa City, to find out more about this spread of cancer...It has been nerve wrecking to have to wait this long...We go to have blood draws first, then plan on going to meet with radiation doc, and then neck surgeon doc, then circling back around to meet with chemo doc, who would have had time to read Boys blood draws...That didnt happen...Went to have blood draws, and chemo docs nurse said they cancelled our other appointments for the day, and that chemo doc would see us now...
Chemo doc is great...comes in, asks us what we know so far, so we tell him all we know...He says it isnt good...The cancer that we confirmed in the liver, is also attacking the lungs, kidneys, and bones...They dont need to do biopsies to know this...We need to have a bone scan done, to see how much it has spread into the bones...If it has not spread too much into the bones, we can do chemotherapy...It would be a once a week chemo treatment and every third week, Boy would wear home a chemo fanny pack, that would give him a lot of extra chemo for a few days...If the cancer has spread too far into the bones, we dont think the chemo option will be on the table anymore...
Odds? Chemo doc was right...No one has an expiration date on them...No one can tell anyone when they will die...Best estimates based on previous patients that chemo doc has had...With no chemo, a few weeks, to a few months...With the chemo treatment, could be up to a year...Boy grabs Girls hand, and cries...
This suggested chemo treatment, will not kill Boys cancer...It will prolong boys life, but eventually, the cancer will win...Chemo doc says Boys quality of life will actually improve with this type of chemo...Once it gets into Boys body, and starts attacking the cancer, Boy will have less pain...For some reason which I still dont quite understand, this chemo will give Boy more of an appetite...Worst side effect, a bad rash...
Girl and Boy get a hotel room in Iowa City for the night...Neither one of us could even attempt the two hour drive home...Girl drinks, Boy takes his pain pills...Girl and Boy cry and hold each other all night...That night, I said the hardest words to Boy that Ive ever had to say...I told him that I will stand by his side and fight for as long as he wants to fight, and when he wants to be done fighting, we, as a team, will be done fighting cancer...
Boy wants to do the chemo treatments...Current day 01.16.12...We will call boys docs in Iowa City tomorrow am when they open, and ask for a referral to a cancer hospital here in town...We will not (hopefully) have to go back to Iowa City...
Breathing time.............
Boy Loves Girl, Girl Loves Boy...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-aPyU1o8iM&list=FLEhpGP7-
vlm3t7e3bR6EmFg&index=20&feature=plpp_video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmBSGlXqC4Q&feature=fvwrel
Here we are, done with treatment!!! Boy should start feeling better soon, eating more, gaining strength, spending more time with Bug...That didnt happen...
Boy would have good days, and Boy would have bad days...Some days he would try to eat real food, some days he wouldnt...some days he would ask me to help him go sit outside in the sun, and some days he wouldnt...some days he would be awake for the majority of the day, and some days he wouldnt...
On 12.19.11, Boy asked me to take him to the ER...he was REALLY not feeling well, he had passed out a couple of times, and his chest was hurting him...Off we went to our local ER...We get in there, explain his situation, medical issues, etc...The Dr's start running tests...Chest Xrays...Blood draws...Get an IV in him (Thank you to the Mercy Flight Team Captain <3)...Chest xray comes back bad...They are thinking he has a bad case of bacterial pneumonia that his body is trying to fight...Lets do a PET scan, to look around...Blood work comes back bad...Hemoglobin level is extremely low...Now they are talking blood transfusion...We will be admitted (fucking duh)...PET scan comes back bad...
For those who don't know, in Boy's case, a PET is very important...They give him something special to drink, wait a little while, and then put him through the machine...The drink they give him, can attach (in a sense) to cancer cells, tumors, etc, and light up...
Without any other tests, we are told Boy has 'abnormalities' showing up on his PET scan in his lungs, liver, kidneys, and bones...One thing we knew, was it was time to cry...Boy has NEVER had an abnormality show up on a PET scan, that wasnt cancer...
Boy ends up staying in the hospital for five days...Blood transfusion...Liver and Lung biopsies...Buttloads of antibiotics...Girl gets to take Boy home for Christmas...
Christmas day 2011, was a good day...Boy got to see his grandma for the first time in a LONG time...Girl cooked...Bug played...Boy rested....
12.26.11...Girl goes early morning day after Christmas shopping to find some good deals...Girl gets call from Boys Doc...Liver biopsy is back...it is cancer...Same type of cancer as before...Girl has to go home and tell Boy...
Boy handles the news okay...he said he knew...in his heart he already knew...Girl and Boy cry...
12.29.11 Girl takes Boy back to the hospital...Boy had passed out a couple more times...This time we went to the ER at his cancer hospital in Iowa City...We took with us, all of his test results from the hospital by home...Boy's pneumonia is getting worse...white blood cell count very high...Boys body is fighting both the pneumonia and some other type of infection the docs dont know...Docs change up his antibiotics, puts Boy on 5 different ones...Docs also change up his pain meds, due to the confirmed liver cancer...Girl takes Boy home for New Year's Eve...
Girl and Boy and Bug spend as much time together as possible...Girl cooks...We watch TV...We laugh...
01.05.12 Girl takes Boy back to the hospital...Boy started showing signs of a stroke...Head tilted largely to the left...Drool coming out of the left side of his mouth...Cant hardly use his left arm or hand...Talking nonsense talk...Not being able to stay awake for long...
More Chest xrays...more blood draws...oxygen...Neurological exams...Head CT Scan...We, again, get admitted...Chest xrays come back worse than they looked in mid-December...Infections are not going away...Docs have no concluded, that Boy did not have a stroke...his liver was not filtering out his pain meds as it should...They cut back on his pain meds ALOT...Said the other docs has prescribed way too high of a dose...Another change in antibiotics...Girl gets to take Boy home 3-4 days later...
01.13.12 The day we have been waiting for...The day we get to go meet with all 3 of our docs in Iowa City, to find out more about this spread of cancer...It has been nerve wrecking to have to wait this long...We go to have blood draws first, then plan on going to meet with radiation doc, and then neck surgeon doc, then circling back around to meet with chemo doc, who would have had time to read Boys blood draws...That didnt happen...Went to have blood draws, and chemo docs nurse said they cancelled our other appointments for the day, and that chemo doc would see us now...
Chemo doc is great...comes in, asks us what we know so far, so we tell him all we know...He says it isnt good...The cancer that we confirmed in the liver, is also attacking the lungs, kidneys, and bones...They dont need to do biopsies to know this...We need to have a bone scan done, to see how much it has spread into the bones...If it has not spread too much into the bones, we can do chemotherapy...It would be a once a week chemo treatment and every third week, Boy would wear home a chemo fanny pack, that would give him a lot of extra chemo for a few days...If the cancer has spread too far into the bones, we dont think the chemo option will be on the table anymore...
Odds? Chemo doc was right...No one has an expiration date on them...No one can tell anyone when they will die...Best estimates based on previous patients that chemo doc has had...With no chemo, a few weeks, to a few months...With the chemo treatment, could be up to a year...Boy grabs Girls hand, and cries...
This suggested chemo treatment, will not kill Boys cancer...It will prolong boys life, but eventually, the cancer will win...Chemo doc says Boys quality of life will actually improve with this type of chemo...Once it gets into Boys body, and starts attacking the cancer, Boy will have less pain...For some reason which I still dont quite understand, this chemo will give Boy more of an appetite...Worst side effect, a bad rash...
Girl and Boy get a hotel room in Iowa City for the night...Neither one of us could even attempt the two hour drive home...Girl drinks, Boy takes his pain pills...Girl and Boy cry and hold each other all night...That night, I said the hardest words to Boy that Ive ever had to say...I told him that I will stand by his side and fight for as long as he wants to fight, and when he wants to be done fighting, we, as a team, will be done fighting cancer...
Boy wants to do the chemo treatments...Current day 01.16.12...We will call boys docs in Iowa City tomorrow am when they open, and ask for a referral to a cancer hospital here in town...We will not (hopefully) have to go back to Iowa City...
Breathing time.............
Boy Loves Girl, Girl Loves Boy...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-aPyU1o8iM&list=FLEhpGP7-
vlm3t7e3bR6EmFg&index=20&feature=plpp_video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmBSGlXqC4Q&feature=fvwrel
Sunday, January 15, 2012
So here I was, cleaning the kitchen, and thought I had something to say....
So, true story, no shit....there I was, cleaning the kitchen, and realized, I had something to say....the kitchen cleaning, came to an abrupt halt...
For those who don't know the whole story, I will go back...
With my Higher Power's help, Boy and Girl will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in exactly 7 days...01.22.12...01.22.02...that is the date...When we got married, we had no money...we were living in Phoenix at the time...two of our best friends on Earth were our witnesses...we went to the justice of the peace...Boy wore nice jeans and a sweater, Girl wore a black mini skirt, a nice sweater type of top, and Harley Davidson boots...And we would have never had it any other way...
On our wedding day, we took the normal, regular vows most people take...To love and honor, in sickness and in health, etc, etc...
On our 10th Anniversary, I will take different vows with Boy...I will vow to:
...Make you laugh multiple times a day
...To you how very much I love you, with all of my heart, every possible chance I get
...Wipe the sweat from your brow, dry your tears, clean you, and make you as comfortable as possible
...Cook you whatever food possible, that you want to eat
...Help you with your lists and your letters you want to write
...Help our daughter grow into the very best woman she can be
...Help you with every last wish you have
Boy and Girl have this love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDXZQTCLdrM
For those who don't know the whole story, I will go back...
With my Higher Power's help, Boy and Girl will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in exactly 7 days...01.22.12...01.22.02...that is the date...When we got married, we had no money...we were living in Phoenix at the time...two of our best friends on Earth were our witnesses...we went to the justice of the peace...Boy wore nice jeans and a sweater, Girl wore a black mini skirt, a nice sweater type of top, and Harley Davidson boots...And we would have never had it any other way...
On our wedding day, we took the normal, regular vows most people take...To love and honor, in sickness and in health, etc, etc...
On our 10th Anniversary, I will take different vows with Boy...I will vow to:
...Make you laugh multiple times a day
...To you how very much I love you, with all of my heart, every possible chance I get
...Wipe the sweat from your brow, dry your tears, clean you, and make you as comfortable as possible
...Cook you whatever food possible, that you want to eat
...Help you with your lists and your letters you want to write
...Help our daughter grow into the very best woman she can be
...Help you with every last wish you have
Boy and Girl have this love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDXZQTCLdrM
For anyone who has never dealt with it, cancer treatments SUCK!! The type of chemo he had (yes, who knew there were different types???), didn't make him that ill...He didnt lose his hair...he threw up some, but not very much...What was the worst for him, were his daily (M-F) radiation treatments...The radiation wore him out...it made him weak...it gave him sores in his mouth...it burned his skin...it killed all hair growth in the areas that were treated (bottom half of his face, and bottom part of the back of his head)...The combo of radiation and chemo, made foods taste like metal...made things even water, taste waxy...At about 25-30 lbs lost, we decided to have a PEG tube feeding tube put in...simple operation that inserts a tube directly into his stomach...he now could 'eat' cans of what I call, feeding tube goop, or goop for short! We had tried everything else, soups, ice creams, milk shakes, protein shakes, juicing...they didnt work...the feeding tube will be his main source of nutrition...
Oh, I think I forgot to mention...for all of these treatments, Boy or both Boy and Girl, had to live about two hours away from our home...hence, no minime there with us...It was hard to say the least...We have had to ask for more help from people than we ever have in our lives...We have needed help with our daughter, our bills, emotional support, housework, basically everything in our lives...
We had the great pleasure of being able to stay at an American Cancer Society's Hope Lodge while we were away from home...These places are AMAZING to say the least...We did not have to pay to live there...We had our own little apartment type room...We had four HUGE kitchens to keep our food in, and to cook in...We had multiple TV rooms, to relax in...There were activities, games, crafts, meetings...They had free transportation around town, to take Boy to and from the hospital, to go to the pharmacy, grocery store, etc...
And the people we met there, will be life long friends...We have met and fell in love with other cancer patients, and other care givers...We have all had long talks, we have cried, we have lost lives, but most of all, we have gained...We have gained love, and support, and friendships with others who were/are going through the same hell that we are...Those who know me, know that I am not a religious person, spiritual yes, religious no, but I do feel, my Higher Power has blessed me and Boy with this Hope Lodge...
We had restaurants from that town come in and cook suppers...or bring in their own food and cater to us...we had stores and restaurants from that town donate food to the Lodge....God, I loved 'Bread Tuesdays'!! We would get a HUGE bread and bakery delivery from Hy-Vee (grocery store) and Panera Bread (restaurant)...we had so many bagels, doughnuts, breads, baguettes, etc...it was amazing!!! We had local volunteers from the college (GO HAWKEYES!) and from local churches who would come in and play games, do crafts, cook, clean...anything you could think of....
Boy finished his treatments the week of Thanksgiving 2011...I got to bring him home the day before Thanksgiving...That was the best gift I could get...
I need a breather....
Boy Loves Girl, Girl Loves Boy...
Oh, I think I forgot to mention...for all of these treatments, Boy or both Boy and Girl, had to live about two hours away from our home...hence, no minime there with us...It was hard to say the least...We have had to ask for more help from people than we ever have in our lives...We have needed help with our daughter, our bills, emotional support, housework, basically everything in our lives...
We had the great pleasure of being able to stay at an American Cancer Society's Hope Lodge while we were away from home...These places are AMAZING to say the least...We did not have to pay to live there...We had our own little apartment type room...We had four HUGE kitchens to keep our food in, and to cook in...We had multiple TV rooms, to relax in...There were activities, games, crafts, meetings...They had free transportation around town, to take Boy to and from the hospital, to go to the pharmacy, grocery store, etc...
And the people we met there, will be life long friends...We have met and fell in love with other cancer patients, and other care givers...We have all had long talks, we have cried, we have lost lives, but most of all, we have gained...We have gained love, and support, and friendships with others who were/are going through the same hell that we are...Those who know me, know that I am not a religious person, spiritual yes, religious no, but I do feel, my Higher Power has blessed me and Boy with this Hope Lodge...
We had restaurants from that town come in and cook suppers...or bring in their own food and cater to us...we had stores and restaurants from that town donate food to the Lodge....God, I loved 'Bread Tuesdays'!! We would get a HUGE bread and bakery delivery from Hy-Vee (grocery store) and Panera Bread (restaurant)...we had so many bagels, doughnuts, breads, baguettes, etc...it was amazing!!! We had local volunteers from the college (GO HAWKEYES!) and from local churches who would come in and play games, do crafts, cook, clean...anything you could think of....
Boy finished his treatments the week of Thanksgiving 2011...I got to bring him home the day before Thanksgiving...That was the best gift I could get...
I need a breather....
Our Life
This is the story of our life...of how very much Boy loves Girl, and Girl loves Boy...
We met when I was in my mid 20's, and he was in his mid 30's...It was love from the very first moment...A Love, like I have never known...we were married within 6 short months of dating...We knew we were meant to be together forever...We always joked that we had to stay together, because no one else would ever have either of us, LOL...We moved from our home in AZ across the country, for him to be closer to his family, and to be back in the place that he loves, IA...
Not known to us at the time, Boy has given Girl the greatest gift ever...The gift of a child...Our daughter Montana was born just 8 months after we got to Iowa...I can never thank him enough, for this gift...
We have had hard times...We have had family members die...He has struggled with addiction and alcoholism...We have struggled at times to pay bills...But we have always remained true to each other...
Jump to current day...maybe someday, I will go in and fill in the blanks above, but not right now...Current day 01.15.12...In exactly 7 days we will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary, hopefully, maybe...
My Boy has been fighting cancer since his first tumor popped up under his tongue in November 2010...With that very first surgery, we learned, that my Boy has Squamous Cell Carcinoma..in most people, this cancer appears as an outside of the body skin cancer, but not with my Boy...his was all inside his body...It was a very small tumor, about the size of a pencil eraser...They removed it, took out more than they needed in order to get ALL of the cancer cells...They tucked and stretched his tongue, and sewed him all back up...Slip slap, easy as that...
Fast forward to August 2011...We took my Boy into a local ER for what we thought was a swollen glad in his neck that had popped up, and was causing him pain...one CT Scan later, and the Docs are sending us back to our Cancer hospital in Iowa City, to meet with his oncologist/surgeon again...This time, it will not be as easy to take care of...After one PET scan, and a fine needle aspiration, it was confirmed, cancer again, of the same type...The next day, my Boy had surgery again...They did what is called a Radical Neck Dissection...they took out his tumor, which was larger than they thought, his jugular vein, all of his lymph nodes out of that side of his neck, and a major neck muscle...They also, while they were in there scraped cancer cells off of his vocal cords, and a neck tendon...After 5 short days in the hospital, Boy was allowed to come home with me...He was to come home and heal, to get ready for his next step...An 8 week course of chemotherapy and radiation...
I will stop here for now....
Boy Loves Girl, Girl Loves Boy
We met when I was in my mid 20's, and he was in his mid 30's...It was love from the very first moment...A Love, like I have never known...we were married within 6 short months of dating...We knew we were meant to be together forever...We always joked that we had to stay together, because no one else would ever have either of us, LOL...We moved from our home in AZ across the country, for him to be closer to his family, and to be back in the place that he loves, IA...
Not known to us at the time, Boy has given Girl the greatest gift ever...The gift of a child...Our daughter Montana was born just 8 months after we got to Iowa...I can never thank him enough, for this gift...
We have had hard times...We have had family members die...He has struggled with addiction and alcoholism...We have struggled at times to pay bills...But we have always remained true to each other...
Jump to current day...maybe someday, I will go in and fill in the blanks above, but not right now...Current day 01.15.12...In exactly 7 days we will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary, hopefully, maybe...
My Boy has been fighting cancer since his first tumor popped up under his tongue in November 2010...With that very first surgery, we learned, that my Boy has Squamous Cell Carcinoma..in most people, this cancer appears as an outside of the body skin cancer, but not with my Boy...his was all inside his body...It was a very small tumor, about the size of a pencil eraser...They removed it, took out more than they needed in order to get ALL of the cancer cells...They tucked and stretched his tongue, and sewed him all back up...Slip slap, easy as that...
Fast forward to August 2011...We took my Boy into a local ER for what we thought was a swollen glad in his neck that had popped up, and was causing him pain...one CT Scan later, and the Docs are sending us back to our Cancer hospital in Iowa City, to meet with his oncologist/surgeon again...This time, it will not be as easy to take care of...After one PET scan, and a fine needle aspiration, it was confirmed, cancer again, of the same type...The next day, my Boy had surgery again...They did what is called a Radical Neck Dissection...they took out his tumor, which was larger than they thought, his jugular vein, all of his lymph nodes out of that side of his neck, and a major neck muscle...They also, while they were in there scraped cancer cells off of his vocal cords, and a neck tendon...After 5 short days in the hospital, Boy was allowed to come home with me...He was to come home and heal, to get ready for his next step...An 8 week course of chemotherapy and radiation...
I will stop here for now....
Boy Loves Girl, Girl Loves Boy
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