And Yet............

While Boy was resting on that Sunday, on our anniversary, I got to meet with the Dr...He said that Boy seemed to be doing somewhat better once we had relieved some of the fluids out of his body...He asked my permission to give him another half of a dose of that medication...I gave my permission...The Dr also told me, that if Boy continued to remain stable, we could transport him to a hospice facility on Monday...He could not guarantee me that he would survive the ambulance trip, but with this medication and releasing the fluids from his body, this would be his ONLY chance to leave the hospital...I told him I would talk with Boy when he woke, and let the nurses know of our plans...Boy finally woke after hours of sleep...He was wearing down...he kept looking more frail, and more tired...It was time, time for me to have THAT talk with him...I reminded him of what the Dr's have told us...That this cancer was going to kill him...that there was no option for chemo....no option to prolong his life...and then I asked him the hardest question I think I ever have...I asked my Boy, where he wanted to be when he died...He cried...he sobbed....he told me he wanted to go home...I told him that wasnt an option...He was too far gone for in home care, and that it wouldnt be fair to Tana, to bring him home once again from a hospital, to have him die in our house within hours or days...So we talked, and we cried and we hugged, and we finally decided to go to a hospice home here in town...I told the nursing staff of our decision and they made the calls to have someone come down to the hospital and meet with me...Boy held me tight...he begged me and pleaded with me, to not let him die in a hospital...he had spent SO much of his life in a hospital over the last 6 months, that he did not want to die in one...I wiped his tears, and kissed his forehead, and told him I would do everything in my power, to not let that happen...So our day went on...I sat by his side...I took care of him...I did everything I could, to make him comfortable, and above all, and always, to love him...

This day, above all, I kept thinking about our lives together...we had made it to ten beautiful years of marriage...we had had our difficulties in the past, but for the last few years, we were good, we were solid, we were a team...He had been a stay at home dad for the last few years...he was the house cleaner, the taxi dad, the parent who went to all of the school functions...he was the parent to play with Tana everyday after school, and all of her breaks off of school...he was her rock...they would fish, and color, and play in the water, he would bathe her and feed her, and help her clean...He went to church with her, and helped her practice softball and basketball and swimming...They are an amazing duo...I started thinking of all of the things he will miss in our lives, when he passes...all of the things he will never get to see....I was beside myself...I didnt want him to leave me...I didnt want to be a widow at 35 years old...I didnt want to be a single mom...i didnt want to be alone....

I had to go home that night...I needed to pack up some of our things to have with us at the hospice house...I did not plan on leaving that house, until the very end...I needed to get a good nights sleep, in our bed...I needed to write....that night at home, I wrote this letter to my Boy, and posted it on his Facebook page...

I know you will never see this...But I love you so deeply, with all of my heart...I know soon, I will have to let you go forever...I know it, and you know it...I just want you to know, and I know for a fact, after today, that you do, that the last ten years of my life, with you, have been more than I could have ever imagined when I first laid eyes on you...We have THAT kind of love...it will never be replaced...I know you have told anyone who would listen in the past couple of days, that you need me to remarry, so I can be taken care of...I am good hunney...I am strong, and I will take care of me and our baby...I love how, you somehow woke up about 12:10am today, and was able to tell me happy anniversary....I love how later, you couldnt get enough breath to speak, but you touched your heart and pointed to me...I told you I loved you too...I love how in the morning, when you woke again, that you pushed the button and called all of your nurses in, and we so adamant that they had to get you in the shower, to get you clean, for our anniversary...I told them it was okay, and to do that for you...You are still, always thinking of me...they had to wheel you into the shower, and clean you and wheel you back to bed, but after this long hard week, you had to be clean for me, for our anniversary...Your daughter in law Kaela  helped me understand, that for a reason unknown to us all, your angels need you now, more than I do...she truly believes, and i do as well, that you need to not be on earth, to protect bug and I...that you have to be up above, to be able to protect us like you want to...And I am okay with that...I know that all of the men in our lives, are waiting there, to welcome you in...I know that you will no longer feel any pain...I know that up there, you will be whole again, and you will be so happy...If it were not for our Bug, please know that I would end my life as you ended yours, so that i could still be with you...but I cant...there is so much I need to be here on earth for...So much I need to teach our bug, but know, once that is complete, I will once again, come be with you...Of my so far short 35 years, I have been blessed to have been able to spend 10 of them with you, loving you...If you make it through the night, and if you make the transport with me tomorrow to the hospice house, we hopefully will still have a couple of days...and I will have been able to keep my promise to you, to not let you die in a hospital...I know you understand why I am not with you now...and why I had to get away, and take care of me, and try to sleep...I feel there is still so much I need to say to you, but I know, if you go, I also, have said enough to make you comfortable...I am forever in your arms Troy, with the deepest love ever possible, Kendra…. 

Tomorrow will be the big day.....

The story continues....

So on 1/17/12, I got up to the hospital to meet my Boy...They had already gotten in an IV, and were giving him antibiotics, and fluids...that line blew his vein, and as I walked up to his ER room, his mom was outside crying...She said they just kept poking him, and digging in his arm to try to get a new IV started, and he was in so much pain, she had to step outside...Oh hell no....So I walked in just as Boy was screaming as the nurse was digging in his arm looking for a vein...I told her to back the fuck off, and call in the PIC line team...She started to object, and I made sure she knew I wasnt playing around...I told her she is not allowed to stick him anymore...Get the PIC line team up here, and put in a new PIC line....So that is what she did...After awhile, the PIC line team came in, got a line in him and they were able to continue running antibiotics and fluids...I got to finally meet his internal Doc, as well as his new oncology Doc...both seemed very nice...We were basically told, Boys labored breathing was due to either pneumonia, or the cancer that has spread into his lungs...They will run antibiotics pretty much 24/7 for the next few days, and if it was in fact due to pneumonia, he will get better....his breathing will get better...If it does not, then it is all due to the cancerous tumors in his lungs...SO we shall wait and see, let the Docs do their job, and see how it goes....

Over the next few days, I did not leave the hospital...Boy had another blood transfusion, due to low hemoglobin levels...He also had very high (over 30,000) white blood cell counts...Boy did not improve much at all, and I was scared...He signed the papers, and I got medical power of attorney over him, in order to make any tough decisions should they happen and he was unable to...He had some great visits with our Tana during these days...She was able to come up to the hospital almost every day after school and see he and I...Probably the main thing I remember from Tuesday through Saturday, is how much Boy kept telling me he didnt want to die, he wanted to go home, and he wanted to do chemo to give himself more time...

On Friday afternoon, I met with a child counselor at the hospital...They have a program in place, to help families explain to young children about death, and what is happening with their parent...I asked for their help in telling Tana...Friday afternoon I picked Tana up from school, we went and grabbed something to eat, and then went back to the hospital...About 5 minutes before the counselor was going to come get us, for our 'talk', Tana was joking with Papa, and telling him that as soon as he got better, they would go to Sleepy Hollow and go sledding...Ugh....jab a knife in my heart...So the counselor came in and Tana, Jeanne and I went out into the waiting room area with her, to have the talk with Tana...The counselor was wonderful...She helped guide me with my words, and let Tana know it was okay to be sad that her dad was going to die...It feels like we talked for hours, but it was probably much shorter...When we were all done talking, the three of us girls were able to each pick out a special blanket that volunteers had made for the hospital, to let Boy use until he was to die, then it would be ours to keep forever...I went home that night, for the first time in days, and slept with Tana...

About 7:30 Saturday morning, I got a call from the hospital, saying Boy was not doing well at all, and I should get back up to the hospital...He was having a very difficult time breathing, and kept getting anxious and excited, which would make his breathing worse...I asked them to increase his pain meds, and anxiety meds, to calm him down...he did, and finally rested some...A few hours later, we met with the oncologist again...He said the antibiotics were not working, ie, it is the cancer causing Boy so many problems, not pneumonia...He said, in his opinion, Boy will not get well enough to do chemo again...He estimated a matter of hours to a few days, before my Boy would die, and leave us forever...He said he has one more thing he can try...He can give Boy a medication, that will get rid of all of the excess fluids in his body, in hopes that it would help him breathe better, by getting some fluid off of his lungs...I told him to do that...Doc said if this did not work, Boy would not be able to leave the hospital to go home or to Hospice, as he more than likely, would not survive the trip...he advised us to call family members to come say their last goodbyes...This is what we did...And I hoped and prayed, Boy would make it until Sunday, so we could have our 10 year wedding anniversary together...

We called in the pastors of his church, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and his grandmother...Besides her own hospital stay for a fall, his grandmother had not been inside a hospital since his grandpa passed away in 1995...We all figured she would not come...she hated hospitals, and wanted nothing to do with them...And grandma finally came...She looked so afraid, and so out of place, but she came, and she cried...something else i have never seen her do...So everyone took turns coming up to the hospital over the next 24'ish hours, to see Boy...He recognized every single person that came into his room to visit with him...he was able to have a little bit of conversation with everyone...I tried my best, to let him have time with his visitors...I didnt want to intrude, or hear any personal conversations...Every now and then, Boy would get scared, or nervous, and have someone come out and get me...He needed to know I was right there with him...I dont know how many times in a short few days, that I told him "I am right outside the door, it's okay, I'm right here"...

I was sleeping on and off in a chair at boys bedside Saturday late night...At about 12:05 Sunday morning, 1/22/12, Boy woke right up, sat up in bed, woke me up, and told me happy anniversary...It was our 10 year wedding anniversary...I told him happy anniversary too, and got him comfy back in bed, and we fell back asleep for about an hour or so...At roughly 2:00 am, Boy sat up in bed again, wide awake...he was having a VERY hard time breathing...he couldnt muster any words to me, but he pointed to his heart, then to me....I told him that I know he loves me, and that I loved him too...I had went out about 5:00 am to get some coffee...trust me, hospital coffee is NOT all that great, especially after days of it...When I got back about 15-20 minutes later, Boy was upset, and throwing a fit about something...Neither the nurses or his mom could understand what he wanted...I leaned in close, and listened to him tell me what he wanted...he wanted the nurses to get him out of bed, and give him a full shower...He hadnt been out of bed much at all since Tuesday, and had only had bedside sponge baths since he came in...He said, for our anniversary, I need to be clean and smell good for you...my heart was breaking...So the nurses got him out of bed, in a wheel chair and got him into the bathroom and gave him a nice hot, long shower....Then they wheeled him back into bed...He  then went to sleep, and rested for awhile....

Again....time for Girl to take a breather.......