And Yet............

While Boy was resting on that Sunday, on our anniversary, I got to meet with the Dr...He said that Boy seemed to be doing somewhat better once we had relieved some of the fluids out of his body...He asked my permission to give him another half of a dose of that medication...I gave my permission...The Dr also told me, that if Boy continued to remain stable, we could transport him to a hospice facility on Monday...He could not guarantee me that he would survive the ambulance trip, but with this medication and releasing the fluids from his body, this would be his ONLY chance to leave the hospital...I told him I would talk with Boy when he woke, and let the nurses know of our plans...Boy finally woke after hours of sleep...He was wearing down...he kept looking more frail, and more tired...It was time, time for me to have THAT talk with him...I reminded him of what the Dr's have told us...That this cancer was going to kill him...that there was no option for chemo....no option to prolong his life...and then I asked him the hardest question I think I ever have...I asked my Boy, where he wanted to be when he died...He cried...he sobbed....he told me he wanted to go home...I told him that wasnt an option...He was too far gone for in home care, and that it wouldnt be fair to Tana, to bring him home once again from a hospital, to have him die in our house within hours or days...So we talked, and we cried and we hugged, and we finally decided to go to a hospice home here in town...I told the nursing staff of our decision and they made the calls to have someone come down to the hospital and meet with me...Boy held me tight...he begged me and pleaded with me, to not let him die in a hospital...he had spent SO much of his life in a hospital over the last 6 months, that he did not want to die in one...I wiped his tears, and kissed his forehead, and told him I would do everything in my power, to not let that happen...So our day went on...I sat by his side...I took care of him...I did everything I could, to make him comfortable, and above all, and always, to love him...

This day, above all, I kept thinking about our lives together...we had made it to ten beautiful years of marriage...we had had our difficulties in the past, but for the last few years, we were good, we were solid, we were a team...He had been a stay at home dad for the last few years...he was the house cleaner, the taxi dad, the parent who went to all of the school functions...he was the parent to play with Tana everyday after school, and all of her breaks off of school...he was her rock...they would fish, and color, and play in the water, he would bathe her and feed her, and help her clean...He went to church with her, and helped her practice softball and basketball and swimming...They are an amazing duo...I started thinking of all of the things he will miss in our lives, when he passes...all of the things he will never get to see....I was beside myself...I didnt want him to leave me...I didnt want to be a widow at 35 years old...I didnt want to be a single mom...i didnt want to be alone....

I had to go home that night...I needed to pack up some of our things to have with us at the hospice house...I did not plan on leaving that house, until the very end...I needed to get a good nights sleep, in our bed...I needed to write....that night at home, I wrote this letter to my Boy, and posted it on his Facebook page...

I know you will never see this...But I love you so deeply, with all of my heart...I know soon, I will have to let you go forever...I know it, and you know it...I just want you to know, and I know for a fact, after today, that you do, that the last ten years of my life, with you, have been more than I could have ever imagined when I first laid eyes on you...We have THAT kind of love...it will never be replaced...I know you have told anyone who would listen in the past couple of days, that you need me to remarry, so I can be taken care of...I am good hunney...I am strong, and I will take care of me and our baby...I love how, you somehow woke up about 12:10am today, and was able to tell me happy anniversary....I love how later, you couldnt get enough breath to speak, but you touched your heart and pointed to me...I told you I loved you too...I love how in the morning, when you woke again, that you pushed the button and called all of your nurses in, and we so adamant that they had to get you in the shower, to get you clean, for our anniversary...I told them it was okay, and to do that for you...You are still, always thinking of me...they had to wheel you into the shower, and clean you and wheel you back to bed, but after this long hard week, you had to be clean for me, for our anniversary...Your daughter in law Kaela  helped me understand, that for a reason unknown to us all, your angels need you now, more than I do...she truly believes, and i do as well, that you need to not be on earth, to protect bug and I...that you have to be up above, to be able to protect us like you want to...And I am okay with that...I know that all of the men in our lives, are waiting there, to welcome you in...I know that you will no longer feel any pain...I know that up there, you will be whole again, and you will be so happy...If it were not for our Bug, please know that I would end my life as you ended yours, so that i could still be with you...but I cant...there is so much I need to be here on earth for...So much I need to teach our bug, but know, once that is complete, I will once again, come be with you...Of my so far short 35 years, I have been blessed to have been able to spend 10 of them with you, loving you...If you make it through the night, and if you make the transport with me tomorrow to the hospice house, we hopefully will still have a couple of days...and I will have been able to keep my promise to you, to not let you die in a hospital...I know you understand why I am not with you now...and why I had to get away, and take care of me, and try to sleep...I feel there is still so much I need to say to you, but I know, if you go, I also, have said enough to make you comfortable...I am forever in your arms Troy, with the deepest love ever possible, Kendra…. 

Tomorrow will be the big day.....